Riding in Cars with Boys

Ladies - today's lesson is for you. First, what the hell are you thinking getting into a car with a complete stranger? I don't care if you need help findings you puppy, you need candy because Aunt Flo is visiting or that the dude seems like a nice guy. DO NOT get in the car with a stranger. This isn't 1960, back in the day when you could wear flowers in your hair, smoke pot and hitchhike across country. This is 2015, where people will drug your drink and try to have sex with your still breathing, unconscious corpse.

Ok, so let's say you didn't read the latest Lessons from the Trauma ER, and you get into a car with a complete stranger who is offering you a ride to your truck, boyfriend, store - still not sure where. Do not allow this person, this driver, to consume drugs, alcohol, excessively fatty foods, whatever will impair his driving. And, I'm not really sure what caused the impairment. Let's say drugs or alcohol. Usually, after excessively fatty foods, I'm too tired to drive anywhere, let alone drive anywhere and rape you.

So you're with driver Dude who consumed some good shit and "Holy Mother of God! He's taking me to the desert to desecrate my amateurishly tattooed, pierced, methed out, virgin body!"

Please, please, calmly exit the vehicle at the next stop. Be it a light or a sign. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fling yourself from the vehicle at any speed. It is not like Hollywood, where you roll a couple of times, dust yourself off and walk normally to the bus stop. Leaping from the vehicle will cause pain. Pain to your breast, where your nipple bar has been torn out. Pain to your hand, where it went for the long slide on pavement. Pain to your amateur tattoo, causing it to look more and more like a penis than whatever it was suppose to be.

Ladies, be smart. Be sexy. Don't ride in cars with boys you don't know. And, most importantly, wait until the vehicle comes to a full and complete stop. That way you will still have intact nipples and a tattoo that doesn't look like a Frankie Goes to Hollywood album cover (look it up if you are under 40 years old. And, then listen to the album. That was music!)

Also, this is for eveyone and it shouldn't even be said, but there are dummmmmmmmmmmb people out there - don't walk barefoot on the pavement. DO NOT WALK BAREFOOT ON THE PAVEMENT during the summer months. Your feet will literally melt off. No jive.

Finally - if you are a dude who weighs 125 pounds and is 5'5", do not aggravate your old lady. She will either stab you or throw you out of a window. Maybe both. But bottom line is that you were thrown through a window, by a woman, who had a knife in her hand. In other words, she threw you through a window. With...One...Hand.    As you were crying, prison isn't kind to small guys like you....

Lessons to be learned.

I'm kinda liking this blog thing. I hope you are too. Leave comments - good, bad, ugly. I will, of course,  filter the bad and ugly...LOL

A Review of the First Couple of Lessons

May 21st -

Today's lesson from the trauma ER: Just because a trucker picked up your hooker, do not, I repeat, do not jump up onto the cab, shoot at him and miss. You will get stabbed in the head. Nobody wins.

May 22nd -

Lesson from the trauma ER #2: Ladies, if you are using UV light to fix skin issues on your arms, remember, don't use it on your va jay jay. It will burn the hell out of it. Just saying... Also, don't hang glide on stormy days...

June 6th -

Lesson from the Trauma ER #3... Revenge of the Moose. Hitting a moose in Canada may be a common thing, but always get a cat scan after. You may be blind when you finally reach Vegas and you'll have a brain bleed. But at least I can check "Treat a Moose Accident Victim" off my bucket list.

June 7th -

 Today's episode of Lesson from the Trauma ER (Lesson #4 - Gravity is a Cruel, Heartless Mistress) is for the gentlemen. Lads, meeting a new lady friend is exciting, adrenaline producing, heart pounding. And, if she is the right one, the possibilities are limitless. But the path to new lady friends is fraught with danger. To mitigate those pitfalls, I present today's lesson. 1) Location, location, location. What kind of lady are you going to meet roaming a parking garage? 2) Wear a shirt. But if you are all Radford Raquedan out, at least wear clean underwear. 3) Wear shoes and if you want to go au natural, wash your damn feet. Often. No one wants to smell you before they meet you. 4) Understand that not every woman you want to meet wants to meet you. Rejection is ok. Maybe learn from it. For example, wash your feet, wear a shirt, don't pick up women in a parking garage. Because if you don't learn from this, you'll be rejected, fling yourself from the 5th floor of a parking garage, realize that you can't fly and gravity is a bitch, be rushed to the trauma ER, meet and gag the trauma nurse taking care of you and have a tube shoved up your penis. In the end, it isn't the fall that hurts. It is the sudden stop at the end. Gentlemen, you are welcome and you owe me a beer.

June 19th - 

In today's episode of Lessons from the Trauma ER...Responsible Driving...As drivers of automobiles and other motorized vehicles, we have a responsibility to look out for and avoid other vehicles. But, as we all know, accidents can and do happen. When an accident happens, get out, ensure everyone is safe, exchange information and accept responsibility if it is your fault. DO NOT, I say again DO NOT leave your vehicle and attempt to run away. First, the vehicle is registered to you. The cops will find you. Or more importantly, someone will chase you, catch you, THROW YOU INTO THEIR TRUNK, drive back to the accident scene, grab you from the TRUNK and hurl you to the ground in front of the twisted remains of your car, where you will unceremoniously suffer broken bones and burns from the scalding pavement. Then you will get to visit me...and I will laugh at you. Along with the 7 police officers who are waiting to take you to jail...True story...

Welcome

Lessons from the Trauma ER Number Whatever -

First, welcome to my new blog. I'm not very Instagram, Twitter literate but we'll give this a try.

Second, I started this blog because Brigitte thinks I'm a mess and should write a book. 

Third, I am a nurse. A fairly new one at that. But, I've had the opportunity to work in some amazing places and with some incredible people. My main job is as an Emergency Room nurse. Normal stuff, heart attacks, strokes, stubbed toes, drug seekers, wannabe MMA fighters who got their asses kicked, former Medal of Honor Special Forces soldiers who are now homeless but don't recall what unit they served with or what years. Stuff like that. But I also work at the the only Level 1 Trauma Center in a 700 mile radius. I will leave the details of where I work out, to avoid unpleasant legal stuff, but suffice to say, I work in Las Vegas, NV. Sin City. And, much like Australia,  everything is trying to kill you. 

Since I started working at the Trauma ER, I am afraid to go outside. Cars are trying to kill me. Bicycles are trying to kill me. Animals are trying to kill me. Hang gliders. Power tools. Hot water and oil. Things I take for granted, everyday things are trying to kill me. All I can say, is that I'm lucky to have made it this far. 

But what amazes me the most is the things people do to hurt themselves. Most of the time, it is because they are dumb. And hold the ummmm sound for as long as you can. As in, people are dummmmmmmmmmmb. But everyone once in a while, you will get the innocent who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was really injured. Those people are cool to work with. For example, you may have read about the auto accident where three cars were involved and a juvenile was at fault, tried to run and then ended up in jail. The main patient was an older woman with injuries to all four limbs including a partial amputation of her foot. All I can say about that is that it looks just like the anatomy books - bone, muscle, vessels. All right there. The thing was, she could still wiggle her toes. Broken femur, dislocated shoulder. The works. But she could still wiggle her toes and kept apologizing for screaming every time we  moved her. Surgery. Prognosis good. Foot kept. Cool story. And, the family thanking me, us, for the job we did.

But, mostly this blog will about the wild, the crazy, the stuff that makes Vegas fun. The stuff that you, the reader, will say "No way is that true." But, trusted reader, keep reading because this is a work of nonfiction. The events recorded are true to the best of my recollection. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. And, hopefully, you will take the lessons learned with you and they will help you stay alive...

Enjoy!