Riding in Cars with Boys

Ladies - today's lesson is for you. First, what the hell are you thinking getting into a car with a complete stranger? I don't care if you need help findings you puppy, you need candy because Aunt Flo is visiting or that the dude seems like a nice guy. DO NOT get in the car with a stranger. This isn't 1960, back in the day when you could wear flowers in your hair, smoke pot and hitchhike across country. This is 2015, where people will drug your drink and try to have sex with your still breathing, unconscious corpse.

Ok, so let's say you didn't read the latest Lessons from the Trauma ER, and you get into a car with a complete stranger who is offering you a ride to your truck, boyfriend, store - still not sure where. Do not allow this person, this driver, to consume drugs, alcohol, excessively fatty foods, whatever will impair his driving. And, I'm not really sure what caused the impairment. Let's say drugs or alcohol. Usually, after excessively fatty foods, I'm too tired to drive anywhere, let alone drive anywhere and rape you.

So you're with driver Dude who consumed some good shit and "Holy Mother of God! He's taking me to the desert to desecrate my amateurishly tattooed, pierced, methed out, virgin body!"

Please, please, calmly exit the vehicle at the next stop. Be it a light or a sign. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fling yourself from the vehicle at any speed. It is not like Hollywood, where you roll a couple of times, dust yourself off and walk normally to the bus stop. Leaping from the vehicle will cause pain. Pain to your breast, where your nipple bar has been torn out. Pain to your hand, where it went for the long slide on pavement. Pain to your amateur tattoo, causing it to look more and more like a penis than whatever it was suppose to be.

Ladies, be smart. Be sexy. Don't ride in cars with boys you don't know. And, most importantly, wait until the vehicle comes to a full and complete stop. That way you will still have intact nipples and a tattoo that doesn't look like a Frankie Goes to Hollywood album cover (look it up if you are under 40 years old. And, then listen to the album. That was music!)

Also, this is for eveyone and it shouldn't even be said, but there are dummmmmmmmmmmb people out there - don't walk barefoot on the pavement. DO NOT WALK BAREFOOT ON THE PAVEMENT during the summer months. Your feet will literally melt off. No jive.

Finally - if you are a dude who weighs 125 pounds and is 5'5", do not aggravate your old lady. She will either stab you or throw you out of a window. Maybe both. But bottom line is that you were thrown through a window, by a woman, who had a knife in her hand. In other words, she threw you through a window. With...One...Hand.    As you were crying, prison isn't kind to small guys like you....

Lessons to be learned.

I'm kinda liking this blog thing. I hope you are too. Leave comments - good, bad, ugly. I will, of course,  filter the bad and ugly...LOL