May 21st -
Today's lesson from the trauma ER: Just because a trucker picked up your
hooker, do not, I repeat, do not jump up onto the cab, shoot at him and
miss. You will get stabbed in the head. Nobody wins.
May 22nd -
Lesson from the trauma ER #2: Ladies, if you are using UV light to fix
skin issues on your arms, remember, don't use it on your va jay jay. It
will burn the hell out of it. Just saying... Also, don't hang glide on
stormy days...
June 6th -
Lesson from the Trauma ER #3... Revenge of the Moose. Hitting a moose in
Canada may be a common thing, but always get a cat scan after. You may
be blind when you finally reach Vegas and you'll have a brain bleed. But
at least I can check "Treat a Moose Accident Victim" off my bucket
list.
June 7th -
Today's episode of Lesson from the Trauma ER (Lesson #4 - Gravity is a
Cruel, Heartless Mistress) is for the gentlemen. Lads, meeting a new
lady friend is exciting, adrenaline producing, heart pounding. And, if
she is the right one, the possibilities are limitless. But the path to
new lady friends is fraught with danger. To mitigate those pitfalls, I
present today's lesson. 1) Location, location, location. What kind of
lady are you going to meet roaming a parking garage? 2) Wear a shirt. But if you are all Radford Raquedan
out, at least wear clean underwear. 3) Wear shoes and if you want to go
au natural, wash your damn feet. Often. No one wants to smell you
before they meet you. 4) Understand that not every woman you want to
meet wants to meet you. Rejection is ok. Maybe learn from it. For
example, wash your feet, wear a shirt, don't pick up women in a parking
garage. Because if you don't learn from this, you'll be rejected, fling
yourself from the 5th floor of a parking garage, realize that you can't
fly and gravity is a bitch, be rushed to the trauma ER, meet and gag the
trauma nurse taking care of you and have a tube shoved up your penis.
In the end, it isn't the fall that hurts. It is the sudden stop at the
end. Gentlemen, you are welcome and you owe me a beer.
June 19th -
In today's episode of Lessons from the Trauma ER...Responsible
Driving...As drivers of automobiles and other motorized vehicles, we
have a responsibility to look out for and avoid other vehicles. But, as
we all know, accidents can and do happen. When an accident happens, get
out, ensure everyone is safe, exchange information and accept
responsibility if it is your fault. DO NOT, I say again DO NOT leave
your vehicle and attempt to run away. First, the vehicle is registered
to you. The cops will find you. Or more
importantly, someone will chase you, catch you, THROW YOU INTO THEIR
TRUNK, drive back to the accident scene, grab you from the TRUNK and
hurl you to the ground in front of the twisted remains of your car,
where you will unceremoniously suffer broken bones and burns from the
scalding pavement. Then you will get to visit me...and I will laugh at
you. Along with the 7 police officers who are waiting to take you to
jail...True story...
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