For example - call comes in of a woman with burns to her legs. No big deal, except it is 10am and she suffered her burns at 2am - BBQing. Now everyone is placing bets that she was cooking methamphetamine and got burned that way. I, however, felt that the poor woman was probably an acclaimed bbq smoker, preparing her smoker for a long day of ribs and brisket. Nope, meth head, cooking right in my backyard. Whatever she was cooking on blew up and she got burned. Seriously? People, first off you are not Walter White, cooking in a RV. Nor, are you a chemist. Chances are you didn't pass high school. Finally, those tighty whiteys look ridiculous - go change. Neighbors, I'm looking at you a little more closely now. Open your mouth - do you have all your teeth?
So, as you can see, interesting but hardly blog worthy. There are probably a couple hundred websites and blogs that are about the blood and guts of a trauma ER. I want mine to be about the funny stuff that we see.
So, on to the funny. I also work in an Adult ER where we handle the everyday emergencies - heart attacks, stokes, broken bones, stomach pain and what not. I was discharging one of my patients - who thought they were dying and that I miraculously saved their life - when one of my coworkers said "DeepSea, can you help me with this Foley catheter." A Foley catheter is a tube placed up into the bladder that will drain the urine. The patient is an 80 something man who is having difficulty peeing. Just a normal looking grandfatherly guy. Someone who reads stories to the grand-kids. Someone who hits the early bird buffets. Someone who has 2 LARGE RINGS pierced into his penis AND several silver balls pieced into his balls. Now these rings weren’t the nice thin, hooped earrings women wear. These were the rings that you lead a bull around by his nose. They were HUGE! These rings were through the shaft of the penis. Being the curious sort, I asked why he didn’t have a Prince Albert, where the ring is placed through the head of the penis. He looked at me aghast and said “That would hurt!” Whaaaaaat?
All I could think of during this encounter was when my younger brother was in his early teens and wanted to get his ear pierced. It was the cool thing to do at the time. Lots of kids were doing it and my mother’s response was “Of course, no problem.” This, of course, floored all of us since this was so outside my mother’s normal course of action. I wasn’t allowed outside of the cul-de-sac without supervision until I was almost 30. The kicker, given to us after our jaws returned to their normal spot, was that he had to ask my grandfather. That effectively killed any chance of ear piercing. My grandfather was a 20 year FBI agent under the J. Edgar Hoover era. I never saw the man in anything but a suit. And he would fight you if you said anything about Hoover in a dress. Literally, fight to the death.And men do not wear earrings. Period.
So, what would life been like, if this kinky grandpa (who had had two dildoectomies in his medical past - again - whaaaaaat?) had been my grandfather? Would this have been my brother?
And as a Lesson From the Trauma ER - think about where you get your piercings. In addition to cutting all your clothes off (hence your mother's admission to wear clean underwear), we are going to have to remove ALL your piercings.
Enjoy! Be safe! Keep checking in and reading!
DeepSeaRN
PS - After a bit of research (for medical reasons, of course) Gramps had what is called a dydoe piercing in his penis and hafada piercing in his scrotum. Knowing is half the battle. The other half is working up the courage for someone to ram a large ring through your junk.
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